餓 -

你會不會

偶爾把自己餵得很飽 

飽到..

讓你忘記你身體裡

還又另一個地方

是空的

salvation -

"i salute to my own belief with all the risks."

- chifayee (c) me | 2013 dec

description: this is a man who has his own belief and survives by worshipping it. 

this "sacred" belief feeds him with honey, with calmness, with love but at the same time 

manipulates his physical actions according to its own rules. sometimes even psychical ones that hurt the "believer" himself. but the believer needs this belief to be able to know how to deal with its "fangs", its talents, or just basically the things he is able to do as a being. the belief seems like a "god" to him and embraces him warmly (as here around the neck) but at the same time never lets him go unless he wants to. the "believer" doesn't even realize that while the "belief" is embracing him, it also stings him ironically (again, here at the neck) trying to tell him that it's dangerous to follow a "belief". the more he clings onto the "belief", the more he'll get hurt. but..

whether it's dangerous or not, it's the "believer" that chooses his own "belief" and not vice versa. 

(follow my tumblr for more art - http://rainy-tian.tumblr.com | http://chi-fawn.tumblr.com)

All Rights reserved. Please mention the artist's name when putting it somewhere else.

how ridiculous -

some say 'first loves' are bound to end sadly 

it doesn't just end "sadly" but also ridicuously. 

some people might underrestimate the power of a blossoming new-born seed of love that has never learnt the term of love until 'first love' came in. 

this seed is dangerous, it can create miracles like never-forgettable memories carved in your deepest soul but also is the only chain in your life that will never let you go because it is so heavy and strong as if you are carrying the whole world behind you. 

the seed of 'first love' uses a lot of place in your heart because you are new to planting this kind of 'love' in your heart so you (unconsiously) use more 'heart soil' for it than the later loves. and just as the flower dies in the end, it leaves a big hole in your heart. 

however, this seed continues living in your heart but isn't easy to wake up again. 

sometimes you even think that you are not able to revive the plant again because you killed it once.

and sometimes you are afraid to revive it because the plant damages your heart at the same time you kill it. 

how ridiculous.

it's like you are giving a chance to yourself to love but at the same to die. (and kill another plant of someone else's.)

how ridiculous. 

what is the magic behind the 'first love' that it gives us such a never-ending curse. 

and the most ridiculous thing is

once you introduced the seed to your heart,

it never leaves you. it torments you, it excites you, it saddens you, it bothers you, it gives you a hard time for the rest of your life no matter if you are in love or not. 

how ridiculous. 

why are humans so stupid to let something so dangerous inside them.

or

maybe it was always inside us

and waits to be awaken

by the key of the 'first love'
that is bound to give you sadness..
and eternal meaning of love. 

- a letter to a whale

i don't know if it was meant to be
god or someone over there wants to make me have a hard time


i'm saying it in softer words
i really need to get this off somewhere because else i think my head will explode.

do you know
that everytime
you fall back
everytime
you say you'll probably get admitted to the hospital again
everytime
you question the value of life
everytime
you can't anymore.

everything you tell me falls like rocks on my body like i'm having the same problems like you
i know i'm your friend or i still try to be or i never thought someone was my actual friend and i'm only just a human who cares about other humans but not in that specific way you think i have to be.

i can't be like some other people i know
who avoid you
because they don't like you anymore
or they don't want to get tangled with your depressions
but something i do admire what these people can do: they don't shoulder your problems on them like i do like a stupid person when i should be the one that gives you power and security.
but i can't
i feel just as bad as you when you want me to help you
i'm just as helpless
you know i really try to brighten things up not just in your life but also in mine just for you.
but it's hard
why am i so complicated
you really should have chosen another "friend"
but i know that's not a question of choosing.

nobody's at fault, i know.
but i always told you no matter what circumstances life is giving you, you have to change it yourself.
i know you are trying hard to do that.
i know what you've been going thru.
i know all that.
i know you are just lonely.
i know you are fighting alone even tho i'm next to you.

but one call. one message from you about those things. i don't know if it's only me.
but i think maybe that's also the reason why people don't normally go near sad people unless they are strong enough or are educated to help those people.
i know your pain.
but the thing is.. you don't know half of my pain because of you and i would never want you to know about that. i don't hate you for that or something. it's just. it's really painful for me too.

and in moments like this where i should be thinking about you and your problems,
i'm thinking of myself first. my own pain instead of yours even tho it's partly because of you.
i know i'm really a weak person for being like this.

but a broken little ship cannot save a crying whale that can't swim, you know?

do you know about Vincent van Gogh and his last friend in his life who was also his doctor? Vincent who was mentally unstable just like his friend decided to leave him before he tried to commit suicide because
he didn't want to influence his also sad friend badly.

I'm not saying you should leave me or I should leave you alone but..
I'm weak.
I'm not strong enough to be ready for you all the time.
I still help with all my might even tho it looks pretty superficial. Everything I do is superficial, that's how I was born like even tho I'm actually not like that inside but that's another issue..
You probably know that I'm not really next to you.
I try really hard to do that, believe me.
But I just cannot get close enough to heal you. I would've destroyed myself before then.

- 光之隧道

i think everyone goes thru this tunnel of darkness.

i call it a tunnel because i don't think there is no end to it. it only depends on people whether it has an end or not. but then it could also be a space or a room, so why tunnel? 

as a human - you are kind of born with this thing called hope. but it isn't necesarrily waiting at the end of the tunnel, no, it's actually THE tunnel. the bright exit at the end is actually fiction and doesn't exist because there is nothing like PURE LIGHT. as long as there is light, there is shadow. and shadow moves about eight times faster than light. 

there might be moments where you feel like dead even tho you are living but as long as you feel the time flying, hear the clock striking, breathing, something insides is moving and tells you you are still living and subconsiously you are - indeed - hoping. you might be sitting in the tunnel, not moving at all but as long as you are in that tunnel, means you are alive, you are surrounded by hope wearing a black cape. 

the truth about the exit at the end is not that the shining and warm light is only fiction but

the dark and cold tunnel surrounding you

is actually telling you to find the "non-existent exit"

while the real light was actually always embracing you.

it's life. 

it's embracing you. 

- lonely battlefield

明是渴望愛的人卻被命運給束縛
被玩弄
別人渴望我有愛
卻不曉我的痛處
不了解

當我學會孤獨的時候
請不要怪我
因為那也是
我在跟愛的憤鬥

- 圍牆的影子

"why is it my fault? why do i need to suffer all this? how do i know that you understand me? how can i understand that kind of you and your problems if it's y o u who is building up these enormous walls all the time and never expose what you truly feel and want to say?!"

once someone asked me this. 

i didn't have a direct answer to this.

like you, i'm also just a human with hard times. 

sometimes it's killing me softly, sometimes it's like a tsunami.

firstly, i told you that everyone lives a hard life and those hard experiences are something you cannot compare with other people's - solely because everyone is an entire different being and have a different approach to each things. some "hard experiences" from other people occur normal to you but do you think you actually understand that person because you might have experienced the same things? 

maybe.. but i would say - not really. you are not that person. you cannot feel the exact way as they do at that specific time even tho we can define feelings in general terms. there are too many things that can influence the emotional outcome of those experiences.

with things said like that, i made clear that i'm someone who doesn't believe in understanding but in acceptance. i accept life conditions. i accept people just as they are. i don't try to understand if i know that it's impossible for me. 

and secondly, about the questions directed at me..

i said

i'm someone who knows my true-self. i know the structure of my soul. i know my personality. i know my mistakes. i know how i cannot change alot of bad things about me. it's almost like - i'm the only friend of me. i'm constantly looking at my reflection, so much, that i forgot that i should be looking at the world instead of me. i had and have hard times like you did. but i never told them anybody or expressed them by voice. maybe partly because i don't want my friends to worry about me ( i know they would be glad to hear because that is what friendship is) but rather because..

as i said

i know that no one

no one on this world can understand me fully. my problems and stuff. because i'm a human. a unique being like everyoen else. and i'm also someone who doesn't long for consolation - easier said, i'm pretty much an M. lol. and that also made those walls appear around me. not because i don't want to get hurt anymore but because i don't want anyone to see how messed up this core in side of the wall is. i mean - everyone has a side that they don't want to show other people ever. you can have different reasons for it. i have my walls to hide the ugly me and protect others to see something they don't need to see and might influence them negatively. 

like i accept people just as they are, i accept my problems. i accept having them and getting tortured by them. yeah, i used to ask questions like you, "why do i have to endure this? why is this happening to me?" but i realized that this is just the most selfish questions i could ever ask. 

so i stopped questioning them, i started to accept them and slowly make them sink inside my body, slowly forgetting them, maybe sometimes remembering them - but the interesting thing is that at different stages of your life, when you remember those wounds, you think differently about them. this is my way of handling my problems. is this being selfish again? 

- 謊

i've been wondering alot about this thing called string.

people say, they love a person forever when they walk into a relationship

tho having numerous romantic relationships in their life. 

when can someone really forget someone?

when is the time when it's actually legit to look for another partner?

when is the time when it's not a lie when you say, that you would love this person forever but he/she already became your past but it's still something that y o u said and cannot deny?

i thought alot about this.

when the string already became your past..

maybe the action became past

but your feelings

i believe

is still present

no matter what kind of hardships you've been enduring

i believe

that this string stays forever 

even tho that person might be dead, might be with someone else, et.

i believe

that this string someone tied onto you isn't something that you can get rid off

but someone else.

it's not a lie that you said you'd only love this person in your whole love but love another person afterwards..

because you never lied about your feelings.

i believe a person carries a lot of ties and strings.

but the one that endures all kinds of hardships and its holder would never let go of your string..

is the one. 

- 心事 (sorry for my improper language in this entry)

rules about staying sane (not actually but sane enough to be treated as normal insane you know) in this motherfuckinunfairsadcruel world

all of those rules have something to do with our mother nature. the environmental one.

1. it's okay to dwell in sadness, in the past, in your food, etc. but don't dwell too deep. it's like sinking in the ocean. nobody could find you if you dwell in the depth where those lampfishes live. or you don't want to be found (don't tell me lies, as long as you live and are hurt, you want to be found, don't tell fucking lies.). AND omg. see. all those mental problems are reflected by the nature. ok. going on. if you dwell in that deep level of "mental shit ocean", there is a possibility of 1% that someone could find you. it's probably a lampfish that wants to eat you up. (metaphor here: lampfish gives you hope with the light but actually wants to eat you up. lampfish=EVUUUUL) or it might be a human.that wants to explore the deep ocean. that human = 1% = someone that might save you, even in the deep dark shit ocean. yay. sooo..
dwell in the sea-level where light is shining from above and people could actually see you. done. don't care if you want help or not.

2. be the sailor of your mentality. imagine the ocean is your mentality, your sub-consiousness, your shit-ass-inner-surpressed-feelings, your first-world-problems, etc. annnd the "you" (sigmund FREUUUD) thinks you cannot manage this ocean of shit, just
RELAX. and SWIM. just keep swimming! (dory <3)
as long as you can sail your own ocean, it's enough. you don't have to fix every broken thing inside you. because your lifespan isn't worth doing that. just keep living, keep swimming, know your wounds but also know the warmth that comes from above. even if your boat aka your hope sinks, you can still swim. find another boat. and sail. and swim. do that, captain. ayyy ayy!

3. erm..

that's all for now. i'm writing in a different style here buuuut yeah. i also have this complex consiousness-structure in me like every one else. i'm giving advice here in a honest way.
oh. and another suggestion: write your feelings down somewhere. not for someone to stalk you and make fun of you or revealing too much of you but to shit out some negative feelings. and it's not even too revealing. nobody knows what the actual problem is. you are just a reflector of your feelings or you might be creative and make poems. just say it. say the feeling. not necessarily your problem.

just sail. stay sane while being insane. it's possible.

秩序 -

the people who don't know me

and also my friends

probably think that i'm a messy person (ok they actually do haha)

the books, sheets, stationery stuff are all over my desk

for me - somehow overpiled like an artwork - keke

but anyway, nobody would think like that like me

because for them it's just a real mess haha

but actually they are in order

maybe in a randomly chosen order unintentionally caused by me

but it's an order which i know well and e.g.: i always know where the biology book is.

i feel comfortable working in that mess.

i couldn't do anything if my desk was clean.

because it resembles emptiness and dullness.

if someone rearranges the order or "helps me getting it back in an order"

i go crazy

i literally go crazy

it's like seeing someone drawing on your artwork and thinks it looks better like that because he likes it like that even though your artwork is YOUR own personal reflection of something

that's why i hate it when my friends "help me clean" my desk

i know it's bothersome for them to look at that messy corner of mine 

and i'm being inconsiderate because i know it looks bad keke

but i just want to mention

that this mess is actually reflecting me

this messy order is my perspective that no one understands

i always thought that i became a person who's so neutral that i wouldn't care more or less about any kind of beliefs

that i am a really carefree person

but that's not the truth

i'm also binded to something

it's this "mess".

in me.

i also project my imaginations on everything on this world. 

and if someone makes a change to it,

i'd also go crazy. 

my order

i'm obsessed about it. 

like any other human.

because nobody could live with no beliefs. they just live as zombies. 

轟 -

i used to be someone having those happiness hormones outburst moments and at those times i'm literally mother of god

but when that time passed

i'd feel even more empty and lost

now when i have those times

i let the happiness out little portion by portion 

so i wouldn't notice the little portions of emptiness

i've learnt that

explosions are too surprising and they never end well kekeke

不明白 -

i used to think i'd break if there was no one who could understand me

i struggled to be real, to make the people important to me understand me

it didn't work

then i wished to meet that one person that could understand me and i believed in that person's existence

now

i'm used to the truth that no one could ever understand me. fully. 

it's not a bad thing. not for you, neither for me.

it's solely an adaption to a cruel fact. 

i don't feel sad about it.

i just feel that my heart has departed a little bit from me. 

that's all

i don't feel empty or sad right now.

i just kind of.. became a stronger person.

not that kind of strong but

stronger. more heartless. but also more understanding.

the fact that nobody could ever understand you

tells me

that it's okay not to believe too much

there's less to blame on people

because it's not their fault

it's not unfair at all

we are all just people

very different people

with sometimes similar experiences

which are never the same

because we

are all different

so it's okay.

right? 

幫助 -

some people help because they could gain something from it

some people help because they want to see a smile

some people help to see a miracle

some people help because the people are important to them

some people help simply for no reason

some people help because they really just want to help

some people help because they are nice

i help in order to hide the misshapen core

i wear that heavy angel's halo just to lie. and hide. and retreat.

i've been walking and walking

trying to find the exit

of my system

or the system of this world

or the chaos

i told myself i don't want any answers to my questions

maybe because i'm scared?

no

i don't know

why is it so hard for me to walk normally.

why is it so hard for me to breathe normally.

this world is just full of bullshit. 

a system always turns into a chaos

like this universe

the system in me is also breaking

and the power of this world tries to make me turn into craziness

that's how this world treats people with a system. 

everything has to fall

apart. 

味道 -

the taste of one's one-sided love is pure, light, long-lasting with an after bitter-scent and smells like cherry blossom

the taste of an important someone's one-sided love to you is warm, sometimes hard to bear but softening. 

the taste of one's end of unrequited love tastes like nothing, like a walnut unless you eat it longer, a slight sweet and bitter long-lasting scent will come out.  

the taste of first love being an one-sided love is old, it seems like you have known the taste forever. but you never knew what sour is. 

the taste of seeing your love being with others with the opposite gender is sour and bitter. it's like biting into a lemon. but you cannot show anybody that you cannot handle that sourness. 

the taste of saying farewell is tasteless but burdening. your tongue is numb. it feels like holding a big rock in your mouth. 

the taste of confessing is spicy and warm like curry. sometimes over-hot. you need alot of water.

 the taste of being in love 

tastes like bubble-gum

you try to hold on to that sweet/sour taste, that amazement

until the taste is gone

and you know

you have to spit it out. or swallow it. 

有一天我會 -

currently i'm living a life without love

i don't need love

i don't need warmth

i don't need someone to understand me

maybe there are reasons

but i already forgot

i just feel

that i don't need something to fill myself

i don't need a shoulder to lean on

i need nothing

in christianity they say it's a state where even god cannot help you

it's the state where you reject the love from god

and in human way of saying:

you reject to love and be loved

maybe you build up walls

maybe you just don't let anybody in your true shell

you simply reject affection.

but i just can't help but live this way

even though i know it's ridiculous

everything i'm enduring now 

maybe

just 

so i can one day

live a happy life and laugh at

those people who can't love themselves.

maybe one day

i can really let my experienced heart out 

and shine on others 

because i already know all those pain 

and nothing could break my free loving heart. 

maybe.

50Cent -

what is 1 bilion dollars won by lottery compared to 50 cent gained by 1 hour of sweat?

it's the worth. 

i used to win alot. maybe with hardwork, maybe with luck. 

but i never cherished those things as much as i do now with this thing. 

because i never fell so deep from that height. 

it was hard to climb to that height from a little bit underneath.

but it's the hardest to climb from deep down. 

and i succeeded. i gained my 50 cent. worth. 

遙遠 -

people see that i only keep a few people to me 

i only seem to hang out with them

it's not like i'm anti-social

but just cautious.

i'm not a talk loving person 

the few know that

they don't seek conversation in me. 

i can easily see through people's lies.

i can easily sense if someone doesn't feel comfortable around me.

i can easily see if someone's being just superficial or honest.

i can easily recognize someone's natural characterics even they think they've hidden it.

that's why

mostly when people try to small-talk with me

i'm rather quiet and give strange answers. 

i pay a lot attention 

to people's behaviour.

i think a lot about the people i'm "talking" to and about me.

it's true that not many people have seen the most natural side of me

but that's because

i try to make it comfortable for the people if they hangout with me and don't know me well

i adapt to their characteristics. 

if time is right and i notice that i can make you see more of myself,

i'll open up to you anyway.

that's why i seem quite distant sometimes.

孤獨者之生存之道 -

when a person knows loneliness for a very long time

she starts to have different faces, different personalities.

maybe for protection but 

rather because

loneliness makes someone disappear.

every mental inch of you. 

so in order to save yourself

you need to create another one of you

to be able to stay in this world.

when people are lightly schizophrenic or they act different roles while being alive

it's not because they want to

but they don't have other options.

this is the principle to live

of a lonely person. 

那孩子 -

i believe in anamnesis,

 wisdom collected by memories from former lives. 

but though your brain knows it, 

your heart doesn't.

your brain represents your consciousness. 

your heart represents your unconsciousness..

which is at least ten times bigger than your consciousness.

so

even with the knowledge

my heart wouldn't let me

smile and forget.

my heart is like a naive kid.

always risking and getting hurt, but never giving up.

when someone seems to be a sign of hope,

this kid would run out of the room and embrace it.

affectionate and ambitious.

this kid

always torments me.

me and my brain.

none of us are in the same league

as this kid.