- 圍牆的影子

"why is it my fault? why do i need to suffer all this? how do i know that you understand me? how can i understand that kind of you and your problems if it's y o u who is building up these enormous walls all the time and never expose what you truly feel and want to say?!"

once someone asked me this. 

i didn't have a direct answer to this.

like you, i'm also just a human with hard times. 

sometimes it's killing me softly, sometimes it's like a tsunami.

firstly, i told you that everyone lives a hard life and those hard experiences are something you cannot compare with other people's - solely because everyone is an entire different being and have a different approach to each things. some "hard experiences" from other people occur normal to you but do you think you actually understand that person because you might have experienced the same things? 

maybe.. but i would say - not really. you are not that person. you cannot feel the exact way as they do at that specific time even tho we can define feelings in general terms. there are too many things that can influence the emotional outcome of those experiences.

with things said like that, i made clear that i'm someone who doesn't believe in understanding but in acceptance. i accept life conditions. i accept people just as they are. i don't try to understand if i know that it's impossible for me. 

and secondly, about the questions directed at me..

i said

i'm someone who knows my true-self. i know the structure of my soul. i know my personality. i know my mistakes. i know how i cannot change alot of bad things about me. it's almost like - i'm the only friend of me. i'm constantly looking at my reflection, so much, that i forgot that i should be looking at the world instead of me. i had and have hard times like you did. but i never told them anybody or expressed them by voice. maybe partly because i don't want my friends to worry about me ( i know they would be glad to hear because that is what friendship is) but rather because..

as i said

i know that no one

no one on this world can understand me fully. my problems and stuff. because i'm a human. a unique being like everyoen else. and i'm also someone who doesn't long for consolation - easier said, i'm pretty much an M. lol. and that also made those walls appear around me. not because i don't want to get hurt anymore but because i don't want anyone to see how messed up this core in side of the wall is. i mean - everyone has a side that they don't want to show other people ever. you can have different reasons for it. i have my walls to hide the ugly me and protect others to see something they don't need to see and might influence them negatively. 

like i accept people just as they are, i accept my problems. i accept having them and getting tortured by them. yeah, i used to ask questions like you, "why do i have to endure this? why is this happening to me?" but i realized that this is just the most selfish questions i could ever ask. 

so i stopped questioning them, i started to accept them and slowly make them sink inside my body, slowly forgetting them, maybe sometimes remembering them - but the interesting thing is that at different stages of your life, when you remember those wounds, you think differently about them. this is my way of handling my problems. is this being selfish again?