- lonely battlefield

明是渴望愛的人卻被命運給束縛
被玩弄
別人渴望我有愛
卻不曉我的痛處
不了解

當我學會孤獨的時候
請不要怪我
因為那也是
我在跟愛的憤鬥

- 圍牆的影子

"why is it my fault? why do i need to suffer all this? how do i know that you understand me? how can i understand that kind of you and your problems if it's y o u who is building up these enormous walls all the time and never expose what you truly feel and want to say?!"

once someone asked me this. 

i didn't have a direct answer to this.

like you, i'm also just a human with hard times. 

sometimes it's killing me softly, sometimes it's like a tsunami.

firstly, i told you that everyone lives a hard life and those hard experiences are something you cannot compare with other people's - solely because everyone is an entire different being and have a different approach to each things. some "hard experiences" from other people occur normal to you but do you think you actually understand that person because you might have experienced the same things? 

maybe.. but i would say - not really. you are not that person. you cannot feel the exact way as they do at that specific time even tho we can define feelings in general terms. there are too many things that can influence the emotional outcome of those experiences.

with things said like that, i made clear that i'm someone who doesn't believe in understanding but in acceptance. i accept life conditions. i accept people just as they are. i don't try to understand if i know that it's impossible for me. 

and secondly, about the questions directed at me..

i said

i'm someone who knows my true-self. i know the structure of my soul. i know my personality. i know my mistakes. i know how i cannot change alot of bad things about me. it's almost like - i'm the only friend of me. i'm constantly looking at my reflection, so much, that i forgot that i should be looking at the world instead of me. i had and have hard times like you did. but i never told them anybody or expressed them by voice. maybe partly because i don't want my friends to worry about me ( i know they would be glad to hear because that is what friendship is) but rather because..

as i said

i know that no one

no one on this world can understand me fully. my problems and stuff. because i'm a human. a unique being like everyoen else. and i'm also someone who doesn't long for consolation - easier said, i'm pretty much an M. lol. and that also made those walls appear around me. not because i don't want to get hurt anymore but because i don't want anyone to see how messed up this core in side of the wall is. i mean - everyone has a side that they don't want to show other people ever. you can have different reasons for it. i have my walls to hide the ugly me and protect others to see something they don't need to see and might influence them negatively. 

like i accept people just as they are, i accept my problems. i accept having them and getting tortured by them. yeah, i used to ask questions like you, "why do i have to endure this? why is this happening to me?" but i realized that this is just the most selfish questions i could ever ask. 

so i stopped questioning them, i started to accept them and slowly make them sink inside my body, slowly forgetting them, maybe sometimes remembering them - but the interesting thing is that at different stages of your life, when you remember those wounds, you think differently about them. this is my way of handling my problems. is this being selfish again? 

- 小時代的時代的小時代

我相信這個世界上一定會有一個你愛的人

他會穿越這個世間洶湧的人群一一地走過他們

懷著一顆用力跳動的心臟，捧著滿腔的熱和沉甸甸的愛

走向你，抓緊你

他一定會找到你的，你要等。

I've watched both Tiny Times movies and this thing has really motivated me to write more than I already do. Unlike painting, sculpturing, etc. writing is an art style that allows you to act, to show your different faces, to laugh, to cry - but all at the same time - being yourself or being your wannabe self or whatever it is. When you paint something, it automatically shows everything of you. Every inch of the painting reflects your true self in a certain way and sometimes it's really bothersome. But writing. You can fool people, you can fool yourself - you can protect yourself while saying true words. It's like a game. And this game that the author of Tiny Times has played is a joke on life that is actually being honest-meant. I like both movies. 

feels.  

- 千言萬語 的廚房

maybe i have more than 1000 words to say

but i've decided to stay still.

because i cannot tell those 1000 stories with mere words. i always choose the wrong ones. my foul ingredients can turn the dishes of my secret recipes bad.

so i let them live inside me until someone sees them and understands them.

there is still a possibilty of misunderstandings. but at least. i don't hurt anyone with the words i used to choose. i've decided to take my knives back and close the kitchen. 

Me is closed forever.

- 贏家

i've been thinking lot about what if's.. 

what if i didn't realize that i was in love? 

what if i never told him? 

what if i never let this wall inside me break? 

maybe we could have stayed good friends. 

maybe it wouldn't be so awkward right now. 

maybe we could have talked normally to each other.

but..

if i didn't

i wouldn't have experienced such a great summer

i wouldn't have been true to myself

and the most cruel thing - i would have regretted it my whole life. 

yes regret.

that's the thing i think a human should never have. 

maybe i'm heartbroken right now.

maybe i've been sad.

maybe i've cried sometimes because of that person.

but actually it felt really good to let my heart breathe.

let the rain fall on my heart. let my heart bleed. 

all of these were better than having my heart kept in a cage.

i mean

i didn't lose anything

i didn't lose THE chance.

i didn't lose the opportunity to love.

and a lover is never the loser despite being heartbroken, because a lover has the freedom to love.

i was free and that definitely already made me the winner. 

yes i won. 

- 謊

i've been wondering alot about this thing called string.

people say, they love a person forever when they walk into a relationship

tho having numerous romantic relationships in their life. 

when can someone really forget someone?

when is the time when it's actually legit to look for another partner?

when is the time when it's not a lie when you say, that you would love this person forever but he/she already became your past but it's still something that y o u said and cannot deny?

i thought alot about this.

when the string already became your past..

maybe the action became past

but your feelings

i believe

is still present

no matter what kind of hardships you've been enduring

i believe

that this string stays forever 

even tho that person might be dead, might be with someone else, et.

i believe

that this string someone tied onto you isn't something that you can get rid off

but someone else.

it's not a lie that you said you'd only love this person in your whole love but love another person afterwards..

because you never lied about your feelings.

i believe a person carries a lot of ties and strings.

but the one that endures all kinds of hardships and its holder would never let go of your string..

is the one. 

- 心事 (sorry for my improper language in this entry)

rules about staying sane (not actually but sane enough to be treated as normal insane you know) in this motherfuckinunfairsadcruel world

all of those rules have something to do with our mother nature. the environmental one.

1. it's okay to dwell in sadness, in the past, in your food, etc. but don't dwell too deep. it's like sinking in the ocean. nobody could find you if you dwell in the depth where those lampfishes live. or you don't want to be found (don't tell me lies, as long as you live and are hurt, you want to be found, don't tell fucking lies.). AND omg. see. all those mental problems are reflected by the nature. ok. going on. if you dwell in that deep level of "mental shit ocean", there is a possibility of 1% that someone could find you. it's probably a lampfish that wants to eat you up. (metaphor here: lampfish gives you hope with the light but actually wants to eat you up. lampfish=EVUUUUL) or it might be a human.that wants to explore the deep ocean. that human = 1% = someone that might save you, even in the deep dark shit ocean. yay. sooo..
dwell in the sea-level where light is shining from above and people could actually see you. done. don't care if you want help or not.

2. be the sailor of your mentality. imagine the ocean is your mentality, your sub-consiousness, your shit-ass-inner-surpressed-feelings, your first-world-problems, etc. annnd the "you" (sigmund FREUUUD) thinks you cannot manage this ocean of shit, just
RELAX. and SWIM. just keep swimming! (dory <3)
as long as you can sail your own ocean, it's enough. you don't have to fix every broken thing inside you. because your lifespan isn't worth doing that. just keep living, keep swimming, know your wounds but also know the warmth that comes from above. even if your boat aka your hope sinks, you can still swim. find another boat. and sail. and swim. do that, captain. ayyy ayy!

3. erm..

that's all for now. i'm writing in a different style here buuuut yeah. i also have this complex consiousness-structure in me like every one else. i'm giving advice here in a honest way.
oh. and another suggestion: write your feelings down somewhere. not for someone to stalk you and make fun of you or revealing too much of you but to shit out some negative feelings. and it's not even too revealing. nobody knows what the actual problem is. you are just a reflector of your feelings or you might be creative and make poems. just say it. say the feeling. not necessarily your problem.

just sail. stay sane while being insane. it's possible.