餓 -

你會不會

偶爾把自己餵得很飽 

飽到..

讓你忘記你身體裡

還又另一個地方

是空的

remember-list #1

there are more than one truth. 

salvation -

"i salute to my own belief with all the risks."

- chifayee (c) me | 2013 dec

description: this is a man who has his own belief and survives by worshipping it. 

this "sacred" belief feeds him with honey, with calmness, with love but at the same time 

manipulates his physical actions according to its own rules. sometimes even psychical ones that hurt the "believer" himself. but the believer needs this belief to be able to know how to deal with its "fangs", its talents, or just basically the things he is able to do as a being. the belief seems like a "god" to him and embraces him warmly (as here around the neck) but at the same time never lets him go unless he wants to. the "believer" doesn't even realize that while the "belief" is embracing him, it also stings him ironically (again, here at the neck) trying to tell him that it's dangerous to follow a "belief". the more he clings onto the "belief", the more he'll get hurt. but..

whether it's dangerous or not, it's the "believer" that chooses his own "belief" and not vice versa. 

(follow my tumblr for more art - http://rainy-tian.tumblr.com | http://chi-fawn.tumblr.com)

All Rights reserved. Please mention the artist's name when putting it somewhere else.

how ridiculous -

some say 'first loves' are bound to end sadly 

it doesn't just end "sadly" but also ridicuously. 

some people might underrestimate the power of a blossoming new-born seed of love that has never learnt the term of love until 'first love' came in. 

this seed is dangerous, it can create miracles like never-forgettable memories carved in your deepest soul but also is the only chain in your life that will never let you go because it is so heavy and strong as if you are carrying the whole world behind you. 

the seed of 'first love' uses a lot of place in your heart because you are new to planting this kind of 'love' in your heart so you (unconsiously) use more 'heart soil' for it than the later loves. and just as the flower dies in the end, it leaves a big hole in your heart. 

however, this seed continues living in your heart but isn't easy to wake up again. 

sometimes you even think that you are not able to revive the plant again because you killed it once.

and sometimes you are afraid to revive it because the plant damages your heart at the same time you kill it. 

how ridiculous.

it's like you are giving a chance to yourself to love but at the same to die. (and kill another plant of someone else's.)

how ridiculous. 

what is the magic behind the 'first love' that it gives us such a never-ending curse. 

and the most ridiculous thing is

once you introduced the seed to your heart,

it never leaves you. it torments you, it excites you, it saddens you, it bothers you, it gives you a hard time for the rest of your life no matter if you are in love or not. 

how ridiculous. 

why are humans so stupid to let something so dangerous inside them.

or

maybe it was always inside us

and waits to be awaken

by the key of the 'first love'
that is bound to give you sadness..
and eternal meaning of love. 

安靜 -

i like calm music.

i like slow, soft and quiet ballads.

i like lullabies.

i like piano sounds.

i crave for quietness and calmness and peacefulness.

i like silence.

because i need these as drugs to fight against the never-ending storms inside me.

- a letter to a whale

i don't know if it was meant to be
god or someone over there wants to make me have a hard time


i'm saying it in softer words
i really need to get this off somewhere because else i think my head will explode.

do you know
that everytime
you fall back
everytime
you say you'll probably get admitted to the hospital again
everytime
you question the value of life
everytime
you can't anymore.

everything you tell me falls like rocks on my body like i'm having the same problems like you
i know i'm your friend or i still try to be or i never thought someone was my actual friend and i'm only just a human who cares about other humans but not in that specific way you think i have to be.

i can't be like some other people i know
who avoid you
because they don't like you anymore
or they don't want to get tangled with your depressions
but something i do admire what these people can do: they don't shoulder your problems on them like i do like a stupid person when i should be the one that gives you power and security.
but i can't
i feel just as bad as you when you want me to help you
i'm just as helpless
you know i really try to brighten things up not just in your life but also in mine just for you.
but it's hard
why am i so complicated
you really should have chosen another "friend"
but i know that's not a question of choosing.

nobody's at fault, i know.
but i always told you no matter what circumstances life is giving you, you have to change it yourself.
i know you are trying hard to do that.
i know what you've been going thru.
i know all that.
i know you are just lonely.
i know you are fighting alone even tho i'm next to you.

but one call. one message from you about those things. i don't know if it's only me.
but i think maybe that's also the reason why people don't normally go near sad people unless they are strong enough or are educated to help those people.
i know your pain.
but the thing is.. you don't know half of my pain because of you and i would never want you to know about that. i don't hate you for that or something. it's just. it's really painful for me too.

and in moments like this where i should be thinking about you and your problems,
i'm thinking of myself first. my own pain instead of yours even tho it's partly because of you.
i know i'm really a weak person for being like this.

but a broken little ship cannot save a crying whale that can't swim, you know?

do you know about Vincent van Gogh and his last friend in his life who was also his doctor? Vincent who was mentally unstable just like his friend decided to leave him before he tried to commit suicide because
he didn't want to influence his also sad friend badly.

I'm not saying you should leave me or I should leave you alone but..
I'm weak.
I'm not strong enough to be ready for you all the time.
I still help with all my might even tho it looks pretty superficial. Everything I do is superficial, that's how I was born like even tho I'm actually not like that inside but that's another issue..
You probably know that I'm not really next to you.
I try really hard to do that, believe me.
But I just cannot get close enough to heal you. I would've destroyed myself before then.

- 光之隧道

i think everyone goes thru this tunnel of darkness.

i call it a tunnel because i don't think there is no end to it. it only depends on people whether it has an end or not. but then it could also be a space or a room, so why tunnel? 

as a human - you are kind of born with this thing called hope. but it isn't necesarrily waiting at the end of the tunnel, no, it's actually THE tunnel. the bright exit at the end is actually fiction and doesn't exist because there is nothing like PURE LIGHT. as long as there is light, there is shadow. and shadow moves about eight times faster than light. 

there might be moments where you feel like dead even tho you are living but as long as you feel the time flying, hear the clock striking, breathing, something insides is moving and tells you you are still living and subconsiously you are - indeed - hoping. you might be sitting in the tunnel, not moving at all but as long as you are in that tunnel, means you are alive, you are surrounded by hope wearing a black cape. 

the truth about the exit at the end is not that the shining and warm light is only fiction but

the dark and cold tunnel surrounding you

is actually telling you to find the "non-existent exit"

while the real light was actually always embracing you.

it's life. 

it's embracing you.