- a letter to a whale

i don't know if it was meant to be
god or someone over there wants to make me have a hard time


i'm saying it in softer words
i really need to get this off somewhere because else i think my head will explode.

do you know
that everytime
you fall back
everytime
you say you'll probably get admitted to the hospital again
everytime
you question the value of life
everytime
you can't anymore.

everything you tell me falls like rocks on my body like i'm having the same problems like you
i know i'm your friend or i still try to be or i never thought someone was my actual friend and i'm only just a human who cares about other humans but not in that specific way you think i have to be.

i can't be like some other people i know
who avoid you
because they don't like you anymore
or they don't want to get tangled with your depressions
but something i do admire what these people can do: they don't shoulder your problems on them like i do like a stupid person when i should be the one that gives you power and security.
but i can't
i feel just as bad as you when you want me to help you
i'm just as helpless
you know i really try to brighten things up not just in your life but also in mine just for you.
but it's hard
why am i so complicated
you really should have chosen another "friend"
but i know that's not a question of choosing.

nobody's at fault, i know.
but i always told you no matter what circumstances life is giving you, you have to change it yourself.
i know you are trying hard to do that.
i know what you've been going thru.
i know all that.
i know you are just lonely.
i know you are fighting alone even tho i'm next to you.

but one call. one message from you about those things. i don't know if it's only me.
but i think maybe that's also the reason why people don't normally go near sad people unless they are strong enough or are educated to help those people.
i know your pain.
but the thing is.. you don't know half of my pain because of you and i would never want you to know about that. i don't hate you for that or something. it's just. it's really painful for me too.

and in moments like this where i should be thinking about you and your problems,
i'm thinking of myself first. my own pain instead of yours even tho it's partly because of you.
i know i'm really a weak person for being like this.

but a broken little ship cannot save a crying whale that can't swim, you know?

do you know about Vincent van Gogh and his last friend in his life who was also his doctor? Vincent who was mentally unstable just like his friend decided to leave him before he tried to commit suicide because
he didn't want to influence his also sad friend badly.

I'm not saying you should leave me or I should leave you alone but..
I'm weak.
I'm not strong enough to be ready for you all the time.
I still help with all my might even tho it looks pretty superficial. Everything I do is superficial, that's how I was born like even tho I'm actually not like that inside but that's another issue..
You probably know that I'm not really next to you.
I try really hard to do that, believe me.
But I just cannot get close enough to heal you. I would've destroyed myself before then.